Life is completely relative.
Without the pain, agony, and destruction I have both felt and caused, I would not understand just how precious, how beautiful this life truly is. Without death, I would not be able to recognize the beauty of birth. Without the dark, I wouldn’t comprehend the sun.
My Journey Brought Me Here
Without the years I once regarded as suffering, I would not understand the miracles surrounding me today. Today, my perception often creates my reality. All destruction and devastation has a degree of beauty, when I seek to find it. It is a fact in nature that the caterpillar becomes the butterfly and the seed blooms into a flower. This is also a fact for us; the struggling and the suffering I experience today could be what give way to my life of freedom tomorrow.
For many years I was living what would appear to be an ungodly life, full of bitterness, suspicion, anger, and cynicism. For years I found myself cursing a God I did not believe in. Yet, somehow, God seemed to be near and living, for I was still breathing. I received grace long before I deserved grace. Today, I search out God in each experience, as I know I will not suffer so long as I do. If I surrender to the Godly energy inside myself, not to harness it nor to capture it, but to let it flourish wildly in my soul and guide my actions in a manner of light, wonder, and freedom… I will be set free. The burden of carrying around all that bitterness and anger will fall from my shoulders and I will live among the sun.
This is fact for the tortured alcoholic. Years of our lives are spent at the bottom of a bottle, with hot metal singeing our lips, or with needles ripping apart our veins; seemingly hopeless and trapped in a never ending cycle. But, when we continue to live, how can we, of all people, deny the existence of God?
Losing Myself Was the Best Thing That Ever Happened to Me
Finding the courage to lose yourself in something so much bigger than your present human form, as terrifying as it may seem, will prove to be the most exhilarating event of your life. I’ve come to find that getting lost is truly the only way to be found. As I watched the men and women who came before me lead a spiritual life, I started to understand that believing in something greater than myself was what I needed in order to stay alive.
For the alcoholic and addictive, life becomes a paradox. Destruction leads to creative force. Devastation leads to beautiful freedom. When we are finally broken, when we have reached a point so painful that we are willing to try something new, we embark on this journey of hope. The journey of hope started with steps that were suggestions from others, they took the form of an AA meeting or a phone call with another person in recovery, these small steps turned into the bedrock that I came to rely upon.
My Foundation Today
Today, my belief in a higher power is part of my foundation; I rely upon it for survival. As I write this I realize how extreme that may seem for an outsider, since entering recovery people around me have asked about my path to emotional and spiritual freedom, I share with them the simple fact that today I need a power greater than myself to guide my thoughts and actions. Historically, my thoughts were self-seeking and my actions selfish, while I still experience selfishness and self-centeredness, the root of my troubles are seemingly solved or provided a solution by working a program of recovery guided by the principles of the 12 steps.